It started with simple tracers along the walls, and light shadows of soft purple geometric patterns ; However, this was only about 10 minutes after drinking the brew, so at this point, I knew it was going to be a very strong dose, and that it would work very well for my purposes. I had finished a very detailed playlist a few hours earlier, which really made for a life-changing experience.
I went in there with the specific intention of removing a certain entity from my heart, so that I could finally see the whole plan for my life, and the experience did all that for me, AND MUCH MORE.
It’s a matter of “seeing pretty things and feeling the love”, vs. actually working on your issues, getting things done and realizing your true purpose here. I had a huge dose, just to show my level of dedication and utter surrender to the Mother. I quickly found that this path had much better results than the last time I drank the brew.
During my last experience, I had a lot less, but was in negative thought patterns and behaviors at the time that wouldn’t allow for any real healing – and therefore, growth – to occur, so I just spun around in a tailspin for about 3 hours, before crashing at the end with a spanking – for not following the diet to the letter.
Once you become saturated with the MAOI, then you add the DMT, and once you reach a certain level of DMT saturation, there’s no turning back at that point. Meaning, you’re on the ride, and there’s no getting off until it wears away what it needs to, and smooths the edges of your soul so that it’s nice and clean for goodness and love to enter into it. It’s more than the pineal gland, it’s your whole being, coming alive with the experience and knowledge and awareness of all of nature.
At first, when it was becoming very overwhelming and the visions were so intense and random, and I could feel my ego dissolving like a blanket I’m sitting on being ripped to shreds out from under me, all I could think about was my son. His little, sweet face, and the way he tells me “I love you, Mommy”. His face started to turn into flowers, and hearts, and I tried to hold on to him as my last remnant of sanity in this place until She told me, “I know, you love him so much, and he loves you, you can forget about that right now though, he’s safe. You need to work on getting rid of what’s holding you back.”
It was time to work on this Yahweh being.
Yahweh, or “Jehovah”, et al, is a very negative entity. It is based on power, control, and blood sacrifice, and is against the very essence of what should be considered good and righteous in this construct we all live in. Everything out of the mainstream “church” is a huge distortion of what true love and acceptance and goodness and grace and mercy really are.
As I saw this entity, he gave off a sickly-green glow, and was kind of standing behind me with his arm around my waist and his claw in my heart. I realized that I’ve asked that negative entity to dwell in my heart for the last 27 years.
But at first, I couldn’t see him, because he was so deeply embedded inside of me, that he had become my heartbeat, my intestines, my anxiety, my health problems, and this entity even told me, “If you break this bond, you’ll die. You’ll die and you’ll never be able to tell everyone the truth about everything going on in the world, and you’ll never be able to say goodbye to anyone, and by the way, you’re going to go to Hell because your soul belongs to me. You belong to me. No one wants you but me, I’m the only one who’s ever given you comfort or rest from your troubles. Who will you run to when you get scared, huh?”
I then saw myself as a 6 year old girl, on my grandfather’s lap for the crucifixion scene of the Easter pageant that our church put on each year while I was a kid. During the dress rehearsal, a sign came down and hit “Jesus” on the head, which hurt him very badly and was a traumatic experience for me. This made the “human sacrifice” aspect of Christianity all too real for me way too soon in my young life.
I realized that so many things in my life were caused by this guilt-tripping kind of lifestyle, and that I had internalized so much of the garbage that people in my life have thrown at me, I had actually started to believe I was worthy of being degraded spiritually and emotionally by the people who were supposed to always be there for me.
I then saw myself growing up and realizing that it was the so-called “father” of Jesus who sent him to die on that cross in the first place, and from then on, saw him as a negative entity. I just had no idea how much he was still affecting me, and guiding my poor decisions to force or intimidate me through default into a “Prodigal Daughter” archetype.
Think of all the times that you’ve thought, “Wow, why am I like that sometimes?” …Ayahuasca is like having , ‘AHA!’ moments over and over, in rapid succession. It chooses a very wise allegory and shows you the allegory so that you have the deepest understanding of WHY you do what you do, and WHY you’re here.
I tried killing that negative entity with a lightsword, like Chris has mentioned before, but all I could do was just hack away at the arms, which then turned into octopus arms the more I hacked away.
So I realized that, since his very existence in my life relied on the fact that I hated and feared him, I decided to do the opposite. I told it, “Thank you for the experiences that you’ve brought to me up until this point. I was a child before, and I needed a certain upbringing in order to be the person I am now. I love you but you’re not necessary anymore, and so I release you into back into the 3D world you come from and cannot escape.”
And then I purged, really hard.
I threw up, and threw up, and threw up some more. There was very little material in the purge, of course. It was the terrible feelings and negative energy rising up out of me and being released. Everything was being dissolved that was bad or evil or unloving.
And then this being of just pure love and light and goodness and understanding and depth just poured over me, over and over again for several hours, all the while, encouraging me to push forward, as if I were in a birth canal of some sort.
I was rolling on the couch like a crazy person, contorting and moving my body to the music, in all kinds of weird positions, but they felt good.
There was no pain or anything, but it was like my ego was scurrying around trying to pick up the pieces of it’s own self, while my higher self just sighed and rolled it’s eyes, and assured the Goddess, “She’s always like this when we have company.”
I didn’t realize what the “collection of goats” was that Terence McKenna was talking about until today.
We all have our “collection of goats”, the things in our lives that make us think that our day-to-day instances in our lives are all that matters, our distractions, and ego trips and mind games we all play with one another.
I saw someone who had recently hurt me very badly, and another person who had also done the same. I saw exactly what they were doing, and their intentions and motives, and when I started to want to feel anger or betrayal from the situation, the Goddess whispered softly:
“None of it matters but love. Because you’ve hurt people too, you know. And you can only expect as much forgiveness from others as you give them.”
After repeating this, I realized that none of the petty things matter, and that we’re all just playing out our roles in this huge play. I saw everyone that’s helped us up until this point, as being totally critical and pivotal to that purpose, and I saw the sacredness of our mission here on earth.
I broke out into a mantra of, “I love you all so much. So much love, so much love and goodness…..”, which I think was probably distracting to Chris, but I needed to vocalize what the spirit wants all of us to feel, all of the time, not just on holidays, birthdays, weddings, or in the puppy love phases of relationships.
I then realized how much I really wanted to change myself, turn myself inside out, make myself whole. If there’s something wrong with me, I want it to be addressed before any more negative stuff takes root.
I started to try to come up with words to describe what I was seeing, so that I could speak into the voice recorder, but there were none. The words wouldn’t come, the geometric patterns were too breathtaking, the meaning behind all of these symbols so unbelievably deep. Everything suddenly made sense, everything was totally perfect.
She, the pink energy that I will refer to as “The Goddess”, interrupted me and said, “Why words? Words are words. Look, see? It’s just words. The intent and energy and MEANING behind the words are what’s important. That’s why we’re scrambling the parts of your brain that Yahweh molded in his image, because that’s distracting you in a big way.
She said, “You’re giving birth to your new self, I know this is so hard, and I’m so proud of you for doing this, and you asked for this, this is what you really desired, and you are loved and you are okay with the way you are. You need to gain weight though and to do that you need to let yourself enjoy the goodness that this world has to offer. You don’t need to limit yourself anymore. You won’t have chronic stomach problems anymore. You won’t be losing weight anymore. You’re past that now.
At some point, as the Egyptian and Mayan and Greek symbolism overwhelmed me, I asked, “So, is this what good people see when they die….have I died? Is this it?” She said, “Your body will be fine, just let it go, it will handle itself.”
And then, I felt quite lucky just to have that breath, and heartbeat, and I saw all mine and Chris’s ancestors surrounding us and telling us exactly that….”You are so lucky! You’re not just a lower animal or an insect, limited to your own biological imperative….You have been blessed with the DIVINE as a HUMAN, you create worlds with your mind, don’t you understand that? Make good worlds, make good worlds….”
As I started to come out of the most intense portion of the journey, Chris encouraged me to come outside to the lake and watch the meteor shower. As we meandered outside and looked up, we saw how fake everything really looks, and pondered whether the stars were really up close, and we’re just told that they’re millions of light-years away, in order to make us feel small, insignificant, and alone.
Once we reached the dock, we started talking very deeply about our purpose here, and as we both realized our true purpose for being here together in this time in history, all of a sudden, all the coyotes and eagles and everything else within a few miles of us started howling and screeching and rejoicing, all at once, as the meteors shot across the sky in several different directions. It was as if all of nature was rejoicing in our love and togetherness.
As the visions began to fade rapidly, we were both left with a somber feeling of everything in our lives being so completely interconnected and interwoven, including our friends, family, listeners, supporters, enemies….everyone has a role, everyone has a purpose. And that purpose is so much bigger than just us.
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